I pride myself on picking incredibly wise women as friends. One of these friends taught me something that I think about almost daily - should is a foul dirty word. Thanks, Sheila. Here’s an example, “what every woman should know about orgasms.” When it comes to sex and popular culture, there are a lot of shoulds or myths around sex always circulating. The reality is sex is very subjective and the only should in sex, should be consent.
Let’s start with the some easy myths.
1. If the shoe fits it doesn’t mean the condom won’t. Shoe size and penis size, there is no correlation. There can be a big man with tiny feet, or a small man with an impressive package. You just have to unwrap to find out for yourself.
2. The dance floor says it all. The ability to dance is not an indication of being a g
ood lover. I bet Elaine is a wonderful lover and can screw with abandon.
Now that we have warmed up, so to speak, with a couple of easy ones, let’s move onto the big ones. I’m talking about the G-spot, female ejaculation, squirting, dry ejaculation and virginity. While there is some truth to all of them but a lot of mythology too. And the myths we believe have become the shoulds that can be real clit/cock blockers.
3. Ahh, the elusive G-spot, a mythical button that will effortlessly bring you to orgasm. Every woman has a G-spot so every woman should be able to have a mind blowing orgasm if it is touched correctly. NO. Sorry, but there is no such thing. The Gräfenberg spot, was named after Ernest Gräfenberg, a gynecologist and the inventor of the first IUD, who found a “distinct erotogenic zone.” This area was then named after him by a nurse, Dr. Beverly Whipple. Dr. Whipple tested 400 women and found that with stimulation of the anterior area of the vagina, women would become very excited. This area is also where the urethra is, where your urine starts to come out. This was the beginning of a large myth, if you reach your fingers into the vagina and move them in a “come hither” motion, the woman will have an explosive orgasm. It’s that easy, insert fingers, tickle toward the top of the vagina and boom she’s cumming. But it’s a MYTH, there is no anatomical “G-spot.”
Does this mean that if you have had “G-spot” stimulation or orgasm, you are delusional? Also, NO! There is something called a “vaginally-activated orgasm” and what scientists are discovering is that there is a combination of pressure and electrical signals with smooth muscle activity. In fact, the G spot has been relabeled the clitourethrovaginal complex, which is a mouthful of fun. This means you may orgasm from vaginal stimulation because of pressure, i.e. the clitoral bulbs and urethra being stimulated with penetration. Does this mean you should cum from vaginal penetration? Heck NO, you cum from what you come from. This could be sucking on your left big toe, or picking out your belly lint out. The G-spot is a myth, but if it works for you, by all means, tickle away. And if someone swears that they can find the spot, well there’s no harm in letting them try.
Sidenote: Gräfenberg, not only recorded his discovery of that magic spot, but also of a woman’s need for towels to soak up secretions once that area was stimulated.
4. Squirting. I am a little obsessed with the myth of squirting. Squirting is a release of liquid that can be 15mL, a tablespoon, up to 150mL or ⅔ of a cups of love juice. Those devout followers of the squirt would have you believe that what they produce is a powerful ejaculate that is the embodiment of their powerful release. I have several squirting friends, have experienced a bit of gush myself, and have discussed, to some, ad nauseum, the anatomy involved.
So what’s the deal with squirting? Well, squirting is urine that is released with orgasm. If you are a squirter and you are currently screaming at your screen and waving your fists at this post, hold on, give me a minute. The urine that you are releasing is not the same as the urine you have been holding as the A train stays stuck in a tunnel for 45 mins and it’s also not the same as female ejaculate. Female ejaculate is sometimes white and actually has prostatic-specific acid or PSA as well as fructose and glucose in it. But squirting is not that. Let’s all think back to a blissful time where you held your pee, held it so long you thought your bladder must have the elasticity of a magic balloon. Now remember when you finally made it to the toilet, sat down and peed. Remember how good that felt, so good you could feel it in the soul, well, that was a form of squirting.
Why doesn’t your bedroom smell like the bathroom at the 42nd street Starbucks? This is how it works - when you empty your bladder before sex, you are releasing urine that may have that unicorn frap in it. Once you become excited, the bladder fills up again, this fluid has uric acid, urea, creatinine and PSA, the main ingredients for piss, however they are diluted. Now, mix that full bladder with the muscular contractions that occur with orgasm, from tip to tail, and if there is thrusting in the vagina….remember the clitourethrovaginal complex, well the urethra is getting stimulated as well and “gush” you are transported to my sweet home Chicago, and you’ve recreated Buckingham Fountain.
Dr. Annie Sprinkles, Female Ejaculation Expert and Earth mother of the squirt, recalled how she prepares to squirt as a performance art piece, I think she was going to recreate a fountain in Paris, anyway the first step for her was to DRINK WATER. If you want to create your own love performance, self love or for an audience then follow these steps.
- Drink lots of water and urinate before-hand. - Massage the clitoris - Insert a finger or dildo - Massage the urethra, stroking at the top of the vagina toward the back, applying light pressure. And call it ejaculate or crystal clear cascades of cum. Hell, call it unicorn tears, to be au courant, the fact is that if you find yourself releasing in a such a manner, then great but it isn’t magic, it’s just pee. But own it. In fact, it shows “extreme confidence and relaxation” according to squirting researchers.
5. Dry ejaculation, this is when a man orgasms but has nothing to show for it. The myth is that these men are evolved beings, yogic masters, in touch with deeper levels of their spiritual onion. In reality, he may have had his prostate removed, or have clogged ejaculatory ducts. He could also have retrograde ejaculation, where the sperm goes into the bladder instead of out through the urethra resulting in cloudy pee. There really isn’t anything to freak out about, unless you are trying to impregnate someone, because you can’t pee on them and watch a baby grow. In any event, I would have a practitioner take a look.
6. The final myth for today is a big one, the biggest should there is. It’s a label we are all born with, a term with no scientific meaning at all and is shrouded in mythology, VIRGINITY. There is no such diagnosis; he’s a diabetic, she’s got hypertension, he’s arthritic and she suffers from virginity. Busting cherries and checking sheets for blood is not a diagnostic tool for “purity,” notice that men don’t have such examines. In fact, if there is pain, cherry-busting and blood, chances are they were both scared, unlubricated and uninformed. Hymens do not “break” and for most girls they have already torn from moving, growing and exploring. I can go on about virginity being a repressive tool against women’s sexuality, but I’ll save that for another time.
I did look up tests for male virginity and they are, simply put, ridiculous, essentially that he comes quick. The other sign was that he “asks for permission,” well then I wish all of your lovers seem like beginners because I’m all about consent.
Remember everyone is different and our experiences with sex will be different as well. So maybe you don’t agree with everything I’ve said, and as long as you are enjoying yourself, then more power to you. But if you have been struggling to feel the things you are told you should feel, then maybe it’s because it’s a bogus should. Figure out what works best for you, not what a magazine tells you you should do with your body. And if your body and desire lead you to do something you shouldn’t, well as long as there is consent, go for it and have fun. References Jannini et al, “Beyond the G-Spot: clitourethrovaginal complex anatomy in female orgasm,” Nature Reviews Urology, 2014. Note: not freely available. Pastor, Z. (2013). Female ejaculation orgasm vs. coital incontinence: a systematic review. The journal of sexual medicine, 10(7), 1682-1691. Salama, S., Boitrelle, F., Gauquelin, A., Malagrida, L., Thiounn, N., & Desvaux, P. (2015). Nature and origin of “squirting” in female sexuality. The journal of sexual medicine, 12(3), 661-666.
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